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She felt lost now as she hadn t felt in months, and wandered the streets back to her
apartment in a fog of recrimination and confusion. This was how she had felt after the
final breakup with Jack numb, disbelieving, and purposeless. It was silly, she knew.
Her relationship with the Doctor was nothing like what she d had with Jack. The
experiment was contrived, artificial, the person she d been in the experiment room was
not who she really was and the things she d been manipulated into doing were so
unlike her that she could scarcely believe she d even done them. Already the whole
affair had the feeling of a dream or a film she d been watching and now she had the
same feeling of disorientation she had when she walked out of the theater after seeing
some emotionally draining movie. The world was drab and ugly in a tedious kind of
way, commonplace.
But there was a difference now. There was none of the exhaustion she d felt after
breaking up with Jack, none of the personal hurt and feeling of being deeply wounded.
Instead there was a hunger and anxiety that forced her to stop at every corner and try
and catch a glimpse of the Doctor s building, as if she d see some sign that he wanted
her back. She couldn t believe it was over. Not that quickly, not that easily.
There was the slick feel of the new bills in her pocket and as she held these in her
hand she remembered the cameras back in her apartment. They d been installed the
previous day, while she d been at work, and she assumed they were operational.
Communications hadn t been severed. She still had a way of talking to him. She knew
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Elliot Mabeuse
he d be watching. He had to be. She hurried home, opened her front door and ran up
the stairs with a growing sense of excitement.
The place was quiet and neat, just as she d left it. Since the experiment had started,
Zoe had come out of her depression and had started taking care of the place again, and
once she d agreed to having the cameras installed, she d spent all day cleaning up,
washing floors and walls, vacuuming her rugs, even buying throws to cover her run-
down sofa. She wasn t sure how she felt about being spied on, but she was sure she
didn t want to give a bad impression.
So far she had responded to the presence of the cameras by pretending they weren t
there. She knew where they were, of course one in the corner of the living room
looking down at the sofa, one in her bedroom looking down at the bed but so far she
had tried to ignore them and on the previous night they hadn t had much to see, Zoe
having a glass of wine while watching television and then going to sleep in her
oversized T-shirt.
But now things had changed. Now the little black boxes were her one remaining
link to the Doctor and she looked up at the living room camera warily as she hung up
her coat, as if worried it might not be there. She walked into the living room nervously
smoothing down her skirt and sat down self-consciously on the sofa, gathering her
nerve.
 Are you there, Doctor? she asked the empty room.  I hope you re there. I hope
you can hear me. I owe you an apology.
She looked up at the unblinking lens and fought down the feeling of
embarrassment and despair that perhaps he wasn t there at all. Perhaps she was just
talking to herself.
 I m sorry, Doctor, she said, looking up at the silent black box.  Really, I can t tell
you how sorry I am. I overreacted, I know that now. I was upset, and I misunderstood
the whole situation. I should never have turned on that light.
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The Experiment
Her cat jumped up on the sofa next to her, thinking she was talking to him, and Zoe
reached out to caress him. The cat had learned over long months that Zoe would pet
him when she was upset and the fact that he saw her in need of comfort now alarmed
her. Things weren t that bad yet. She still had a chance.
She realized how silly she must look. For all she knew, the Doctor wasn t even
watching her on the other end. Or maybe he was. Maybe he and Amy were watching
her and laughing. She didn t care.
 I was wrong too when I said I knew what the experiment was about. Really, I was
just guessing. I don t know what you re trying to do and I shouldn t have guessed.
Anyhow, that s not important. What s important is that I violated your trust and that
I m very sorry. I don t want it to be over, Doctor. Please.
There. She was begging. What else could she do?
Talking to the silent black box was like talking to the Doctor himself as he sat in the
shadows, saying nothing, giving her no human feedback, waiting to see how far she d
go.
In one sense the experiment had been a demeaning and almost shameful
experience. She d taken money for acts of sex, and despite her rationales and
protestations, she knew what that made her. And yet it had been more than that too.
She d discovered something within herself, something she though had been killed off
long ago the excitement of sex, the thrill of desire, the sheer animal joy of seeing the
effect she had on men and women both.
Whatever else the Doctor had been doing to her, whatever else his purposes had
been, he d been giving her that as well, breathing life into her, fanning those fading
embers into flame. He d reached into her life and changed her, changed her world and
turned her into someone who mattered again and now she was losing that.
 I want to come back, she said, dropping her eyes, afraid to let him see her face. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]